The Ankle Update

I guess it's way past time for the ankle update! (Sorry Skate Mom - just noticed you asked over a month ago!!)

Well, after 5 weeks in the full leg cast (with crutches), 3 weeks with the walking cast, 3 weeks with an ankle brace and 4 weeks of physical therapy, she got back on the ice. It was a public session the day after Thanksgiving and CROWDED, but she was brave and excited and nervous... and bored after 20 minutes. It's hard to just skate in a circle with a bunch of civilians when you used to be able to do jumps and spins - things you're not allowed to do yet! Luckily, she was tired after another 20 minutes so we took our "on ice" picture for the family Christmas card and off we went.

She eased back into it - with a couple more public sessions and then a lesson with her coach to do all her single jumps and instructions to wait until the next week to attempt her axel. By the next day, she was BEGGING to try so we arranged another lesson, he put her on the harness and before we knew it, she was back. (And when she did land her axel, which was the jump she broke her ankle on, I nearly cried, I was sooooo relieved!) It wasn't long before the double salchow was back (the way it had been - mostly landed), the double toe walley was back (rarely landed but always rotated) and the double loop was back (and MUCH closer to being landed than before the break).

The spins... that was another story... Luckily the break was not in the ankle she lands her jumps on but apparently, it WAS the ankle she spins on. So those atrophied muscles were NOT HAPPY to be expected to spin while holding her in a sit spin position. The camel wasn't much better... and the layback bore little resemblance to what it once was.

While she was good and brave and patient with her jumps (mostly because they'd been dealt with at physical therapy), she was whiny and frustrated and discouraged about the spins. So we had her other coach work with her on spins and they started to come back. I would say they are not yet back to where they were but the tears seem to have stopped. Most of the time, anyway.

But the real frustration is FRUSTRATION! She's frustrated when she sees how far some of the other skaters have come in the time she was off the ice. She's frustrated when she can't land the last jump in her program because she doesn't yet have the stamina to do it. She's frustrated when she lands a perfect double loop when no one is watching and falls on every single attempt during her lesson. She's frustrated that the sessions are so crowded she can't do the footwork in her program without dodging 5 or 6 clueless beginners WITH THEIR COACHES who should know better. Then she's frustrated that she's frustrated. I'm not great at being frustrated either but I've had years to learn how to feel frustrated and still move forward. She tends to come to a screeching, crying stop using words like "never" and "always" and "horrible" and "garbage". And of course, the coach has no idea she feels this way. She can skate directly away from him and fall into my arms crying, telling me what a terrible lesson she had and when I ask him about it later, he has no idea she was even a little upset and says "I thought she did a good job today..."

So now she's moving forward... signed up for a competition... learning the next moves in the fields level... heading into volleyball season (which is a whole other Oprah show!). And I'm trying to be supportive and keep her from letting frustration stop her in her tracks. And deal with the roller coaster of her tween emotions (while navigating the freakish fun house of my own possibly perimenopausal mood swings). On the bright side, the valentine's chocolate is on sale at See's.

Happy President's Day weekend!!!

A Tiger Mom Races to Nowhere

Back in the fall, there was a discussion of the documentary "Race to Nowhere" at my daughter's school PTO meeting... the principal had seen it, other parents had heard about it, we had a screening scheduled for our teachers... Where was our screening, we wanted to know??? So like all dutiful Helicopter Moms, I found a screening and got a ticket. (And of course, when the school actually did screen the film, I saw it again.)

Now I don't know if you've seen this film or not, but let's just say it's disturbing. The school girl who responds to stress by developing an eating disorder and the school that won't allow her back once she's treated it, the high schoolers who readily admit to cheating to get the grades they need for college, the gifted teacher who quits because she's not allowed to deviate from the state mandated - test oriented program, the family who lost a child to suicide after a bad grade on a test... it's all frightening and overwhelming. And mostly out of our parental control. We should demand less homework, the film suggests, limit after school activities, watch for signs of stress... We should not expect them all to be A students - after all, the world is run by C students, so the documentary says. The US is falling behind other countries in education, not because our kids spend too much time watching TV and playing video games, but because there is too much homework - this seems to be a central theme thoughout.

Then suddenly I get an email titled "Why Chinese Mothers Are Better" which is apparently an excerpt from a book called Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. This email tells me that Tiger Mothers will not accept any grade except an A, refuse to compliment anything that is not the child's absolute BEST work (and even then, never in front of the child), expect piano and/or violin practice to last for HOURS or until the piece is perfect and do not allow their children to have sleepovers, watch TV, play video games or participate in the school play or school sponsored sports teams. Perfection is the most important thing, even if you have to shame or ridicule your child to get it. Even if the child is miserable.

Clearly these are opposing views. Nothing in common at all. How can I even mention Race to Nowhere and Tiger Moms in the same blog? It's ridiculous!!! Except possibly I agree with them both. Now who's crazy, huh?

You see, I don't believe that kids should hate school. I don't believe everyone has to have an A. I don't believe teachers need homework to judge whether or not a child is learning (I know too many parents who frankly DO the child's homework for that to actually work). I'm annoyed when my child gets an average grade for a report that she did herself but it's being compared to A+ reports done with parental "help". I think it's ridiculous that children get rewarded for good grades - shouldn't the grade be the reward in itself???? I think parents should back up their child's teacher - whether it involves a punishment or a grade or a homework assignment. When we trust our teachers to actually teach (instead of giving tests which may not even accurately access the students' understanding of the material), it empowers them. When we second guess every assignment, we might as well homeschool.

But get me to the ice skating rink, and Tiger Mom bursts out of me like the Hulk. There must be no talking on the ice! Only working!! Or you will pay me back for the time you wasted. No you can't have candy! Food is FUEL! Do you want to fuel up your car with high test gasoline or junk? And how can we make said car land a double lutz sometime before June????

You see my problem. Learning lasts your whole life. I know there are people who go to law school in their 50s, Medical School in their 60s... but skaters are washed up at 25. Of course, this would be a valid point if she were really Olympic material. I'm not saying she's not a good skater but there are already younger kids with better jumps. THOSE mothers need to be Tiger Moms. Their kids will thank them for it.

I'm hoping mine will too, someday. Sometimes she thanks me now - because she really does want to excel in a sport which is ridiculously expensive and requires early morning practices, and I am not a millionaire or a morning person. So I do expect her to work hard. When she bothers to look, she can see that she gets better results from a practice when she works hard, than from a practice when she chats. And honestly, I would probably be less Tiger if I weren't surrounded by Tigers. Peer pressure doesn't just affect kids, you know! I have no actual proof that an expensive custom made dress will result in a higher placement from a judge but if everyone else is doing it, who wants to be the mom of the kid skating in Jasmine pajamas from the Disney Store? Even if you have covered them with $200 worth of Swarofsky crystals! Look, I won't be the first one at the rink every morning and I won't pay a coach to be with her every minute on the ice, but I will drag the skates along on a family vacation and find a rink for her to practice and I will stand in the cold with a cup of coffee and a video camera so she can see what's working and what isn't.

I fully expect the tables to turn in a few years... When it's time for her to apply to high schools, I'm sure I'll get all Tiger about grades and homework. And maybe I'll be taking her to the ice rink just to skate for fun. But for now, I'm a Tiger Helicopter racing to Nowhere. Wave if you see me!