Mother's Day

I'm finally coming around to where I don't hate Mother's Day...

Of course, that sounds awful, I know, but my mother died over 30 years ago so it's been a long time since I bought someone a bottle of Jean Nate or a box of Russell Stover's. I have a step-mother and a mother-in-law but it's just not the same. They have their own ACTUAL children to make a big fuss.

I also spent 10 years trying to have a baby. Those were probably the hardest Mother's Days of all.

So while I am certainly looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning to a special breakfast or a song and a card (maybe even something chocolate... hint, hint!), I am always a little sad this 2nd Sunday in May. Because probably someone lost their mom this year and misses her terribly and someone else can't seem to make a baby, even though they have taken a vacation or stopped worrying about it or talked to a fertility specialist or looked into adoption. For somebody, Mother's Day is the saddest day in the world. Keep an eye out for them tomorrow. They might need a hug.

Are There Seatbelts on the Field Trip bus and other Burning Questions...

Okay, I remember when she was in kindergarden and all I really cared about was whether or not there were seat belts on the field trip bus. We had already made several trips to New York City where she had ridden in cabs without a car seat (better than Disneyland as far as the child was concerned), on subways where we stood, clinging to each other as one or all of us held onto a pole/strap/stranger in hopes of remaining upright and on buses to the Hollywood Bowl that sent us and our dinner sliding alternately from the back to the front of the bus (and yet lulled us to sleep on the way home). There we stood, outside the school gate, staring at the big yellow bus. "Well, they didn't have seat belts when I was a kid", one parent would invariably say and we would all silently nod, recalling all the school bus rides we had miraculously survived. Then someone would tell us it was actually safer for them to ride without seat belts because in an horrific accident they would not be strapped into their seats as the bus burned. Another long silence. Finally the more paranoid among us would pull our kids out of line and drive them ourselves while the rest of us drove our cars slowly behind the bus like a funeral procession on its way to the pumpkin patch.

Now we are in the waning days of elementary school. We have not only made peace with the lack of seat belts on the bus (although now apparently many of the buses do have them), but we have even allowed our kids to go on overnight field trips and lived to tell about it. So what can possibly scare me about a field trip now? You guessed it. The gift shop.

In the lower grades, the instructions were always the same - pack a sack lunch, a bottle of water and do not send money with your kid. Do. Not. Send. Money. With. Your. Kid. I loved that rule. Even if you were a chaperone, you were not allowed to hit the gift shop with your child in tow. (Although there were certainly parents who broke that rule - leaving the rest of us to explain to our sobbing children that just because Kiki's mom doesn't want to follow the rule doesn't mean it's not a rule.). Now, however, the gift shop is becoming the highlight of the field trips. The encore even. "BE SURE TO SEND MONEY FOR A SOUVENIR!" is printed right on the permission slip beside the sack lunch and water bottle requirement. Half the time they even send home an order form for the official field trip t-shirt. Like we need another t-shirt...

Now don't get me wrong. I like t-shirts and keychains and souvenir pens just as much as the next proud American. But I like to have some input in my 11 year old's impulse purchases. And sending a twenty dollar bill folded inside the sack lunch is not the kind of input I'm comfortable with. Frankly, I'm a fan of the $5 souvenir. A magnet or a keychain or a couple of postcards, maybe even a water bottle with the name of the location printed on the side. I might even get some change! But this particular field trip location apparently had a bakery of some sort because even the weekly class update letter encouraged us to go on the website and pre-order pies. PIES. Okay, first of all, I don't even like pie but if I did, I wouldn't want it making the two hour trip home on an 11 year old's lap, bouncing seat belt-less on a school bus, particularly when that 11 year old is surrounded by other 11 year olds who do not have a vested interest in getting that pie home safely. I know of at least one pie that arrived home with a big footprint in the middle. Not nearly as appetizing a visual as those cute little cut outs you see on the cooking channel.

But as I said, I don't like pie so while pre-ordering the field trip souvenir sounded good, it was not practical. So I was left with the decision of how much to send and the reality that she could use it to buy whatever crap she wanted. "But everyone is bringing $40", she whined (I know, I know I said $100 on Facebook. Status updates deserve artistic license for maximum impact.). I looked at the website and established that the gift shop was more accurately a candy store and other than maybe something small, whatever she bought would likely be a consumable. I suggested $5, got talked into $10 and then somehow guilted into $15 with the understanding that if she insisted on a pie, she could get one. But I can't say I was surprised when she got off the bus with a bag of candy. Or WOULD have, had she not somehow left it behind...

Okay, she did finally end up with her "souvenir" bag, which included of several pieces of salt water taffy (that fortunately she is allowed to eat since the braces came off 8 weeks ago), a half dozen sticks of hard candy, a small plastic bag filled with black sugar (not sure what that was supposed to "be" but suffice it to say, she's not as cute when her newly straightened teeth are black), a keychain and a bag of kettlecorn. Ten dollars. (She gave five dollars to a friend in exchange for some pie on the bus ride home.) Now, I'll admit, I have nothing against the keychain, although as my husband points out, she does not actually have keys. But apparently, there is no end to the amount of things you can dangle off the back of your backpack, so in the loosest sense of the word, I suppose you could call it practical. And I am very glad that her braces were off in time to enjoy the taffy... (last year's trip to San Francisco was a bust in that area - although we managed to spend the money we would have spent on taffy on chocolate candy instead). But there are quite a few of her classmates who still sport braces (or spacers or palate expanders... ah, what the dental world is coming to) who certainly could not have taken the taffy chance. So I can't help but ask, is a candy store (albeit an "old timey candy store") really the best idea on the field trip? Are we really sending our kids on a bus to buy pies? Do 11 year olds really need key chains? Was there a shelf selling shot glasses? How, exactly, is a trip to the gift shop a necessary stop on an educational field trip?????

Okay, obviously I must be one of those mean, cranky moms who never let their child get gum at the register in the supermarket or ice cream on the way home from school (which is alarmingly accurate although I have been known to knuckle under when a good grade is involved). But when children get a souvenir on every excursion (or a trophy at every game or an A in every class), doesn't it cheapen the souvenir, trophy, A? How long until she asks me if I want the keychain because it has been replaced by 5 more keychains from 5 more field trips? Or will she hang on to it forever like I hold on to my grandmother's english primer - out of a sense of responsibility? Responsibility to a THING - something she would never have purchased if the class hadn't stopped at the gift shop.

Look, I've chaperoned field trips. I know it's hard when the kids want to buy something and we have to say no. I prefer to usher them past the gift shop, right out to the bus, stopping only at the rest room and water fountain, because where one kid might have brought $20 (or $40 or $100!), there's another kid who has nothing, either because his mom forgot or her dad said they shouldn't spend the money or grandma dropped them off at school and it's lucky they had a sack lunch. The world encourages us to be consumers and that's never going to change, but unless we're on a field trip to learn how to buy things and count our change, let's try skipping the gift shop.

The Ankle Update

I guess it's way past time for the ankle update! (Sorry Skate Mom - just noticed you asked over a month ago!!)

Well, after 5 weeks in the full leg cast (with crutches), 3 weeks with the walking cast, 3 weeks with an ankle brace and 4 weeks of physical therapy, she got back on the ice. It was a public session the day after Thanksgiving and CROWDED, but she was brave and excited and nervous... and bored after 20 minutes. It's hard to just skate in a circle with a bunch of civilians when you used to be able to do jumps and spins - things you're not allowed to do yet! Luckily, she was tired after another 20 minutes so we took our "on ice" picture for the family Christmas card and off we went.

She eased back into it - with a couple more public sessions and then a lesson with her coach to do all her single jumps and instructions to wait until the next week to attempt her axel. By the next day, she was BEGGING to try so we arranged another lesson, he put her on the harness and before we knew it, she was back. (And when she did land her axel, which was the jump she broke her ankle on, I nearly cried, I was sooooo relieved!) It wasn't long before the double salchow was back (the way it had been - mostly landed), the double toe walley was back (rarely landed but always rotated) and the double loop was back (and MUCH closer to being landed than before the break).

The spins... that was another story... Luckily the break was not in the ankle she lands her jumps on but apparently, it WAS the ankle she spins on. So those atrophied muscles were NOT HAPPY to be expected to spin while holding her in a sit spin position. The camel wasn't much better... and the layback bore little resemblance to what it once was.

While she was good and brave and patient with her jumps (mostly because they'd been dealt with at physical therapy), she was whiny and frustrated and discouraged about the spins. So we had her other coach work with her on spins and they started to come back. I would say they are not yet back to where they were but the tears seem to have stopped. Most of the time, anyway.

But the real frustration is FRUSTRATION! She's frustrated when she sees how far some of the other skaters have come in the time she was off the ice. She's frustrated when she can't land the last jump in her program because she doesn't yet have the stamina to do it. She's frustrated when she lands a perfect double loop when no one is watching and falls on every single attempt during her lesson. She's frustrated that the sessions are so crowded she can't do the footwork in her program without dodging 5 or 6 clueless beginners WITH THEIR COACHES who should know better. Then she's frustrated that she's frustrated. I'm not great at being frustrated either but I've had years to learn how to feel frustrated and still move forward. She tends to come to a screeching, crying stop using words like "never" and "always" and "horrible" and "garbage". And of course, the coach has no idea she feels this way. She can skate directly away from him and fall into my arms crying, telling me what a terrible lesson she had and when I ask him about it later, he has no idea she was even a little upset and says "I thought she did a good job today..."

So now she's moving forward... signed up for a competition... learning the next moves in the fields level... heading into volleyball season (which is a whole other Oprah show!). And I'm trying to be supportive and keep her from letting frustration stop her in her tracks. And deal with the roller coaster of her tween emotions (while navigating the freakish fun house of my own possibly perimenopausal mood swings). On the bright side, the valentine's chocolate is on sale at See's.

Happy President's Day weekend!!!

A Tiger Mom Races to Nowhere

Back in the fall, there was a discussion of the documentary "Race to Nowhere" at my daughter's school PTO meeting... the principal had seen it, other parents had heard about it, we had a screening scheduled for our teachers... Where was our screening, we wanted to know??? So like all dutiful Helicopter Moms, I found a screening and got a ticket. (And of course, when the school actually did screen the film, I saw it again.)

Now I don't know if you've seen this film or not, but let's just say it's disturbing. The school girl who responds to stress by developing an eating disorder and the school that won't allow her back once she's treated it, the high schoolers who readily admit to cheating to get the grades they need for college, the gifted teacher who quits because she's not allowed to deviate from the state mandated - test oriented program, the family who lost a child to suicide after a bad grade on a test... it's all frightening and overwhelming. And mostly out of our parental control. We should demand less homework, the film suggests, limit after school activities, watch for signs of stress... We should not expect them all to be A students - after all, the world is run by C students, so the documentary says. The US is falling behind other countries in education, not because our kids spend too much time watching TV and playing video games, but because there is too much homework - this seems to be a central theme thoughout.

Then suddenly I get an email titled "Why Chinese Mothers Are Better" which is apparently an excerpt from a book called Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. This email tells me that Tiger Mothers will not accept any grade except an A, refuse to compliment anything that is not the child's absolute BEST work (and even then, never in front of the child), expect piano and/or violin practice to last for HOURS or until the piece is perfect and do not allow their children to have sleepovers, watch TV, play video games or participate in the school play or school sponsored sports teams. Perfection is the most important thing, even if you have to shame or ridicule your child to get it. Even if the child is miserable.

Clearly these are opposing views. Nothing in common at all. How can I even mention Race to Nowhere and Tiger Moms in the same blog? It's ridiculous!!! Except possibly I agree with them both. Now who's crazy, huh?

You see, I don't believe that kids should hate school. I don't believe everyone has to have an A. I don't believe teachers need homework to judge whether or not a child is learning (I know too many parents who frankly DO the child's homework for that to actually work). I'm annoyed when my child gets an average grade for a report that she did herself but it's being compared to A+ reports done with parental "help". I think it's ridiculous that children get rewarded for good grades - shouldn't the grade be the reward in itself???? I think parents should back up their child's teacher - whether it involves a punishment or a grade or a homework assignment. When we trust our teachers to actually teach (instead of giving tests which may not even accurately access the students' understanding of the material), it empowers them. When we second guess every assignment, we might as well homeschool.

But get me to the ice skating rink, and Tiger Mom bursts out of me like the Hulk. There must be no talking on the ice! Only working!! Or you will pay me back for the time you wasted. No you can't have candy! Food is FUEL! Do you want to fuel up your car with high test gasoline or junk? And how can we make said car land a double lutz sometime before June????

You see my problem. Learning lasts your whole life. I know there are people who go to law school in their 50s, Medical School in their 60s... but skaters are washed up at 25. Of course, this would be a valid point if she were really Olympic material. I'm not saying she's not a good skater but there are already younger kids with better jumps. THOSE mothers need to be Tiger Moms. Their kids will thank them for it.

I'm hoping mine will too, someday. Sometimes she thanks me now - because she really does want to excel in a sport which is ridiculously expensive and requires early morning practices, and I am not a millionaire or a morning person. So I do expect her to work hard. When she bothers to look, she can see that she gets better results from a practice when she works hard, than from a practice when she chats. And honestly, I would probably be less Tiger if I weren't surrounded by Tigers. Peer pressure doesn't just affect kids, you know! I have no actual proof that an expensive custom made dress will result in a higher placement from a judge but if everyone else is doing it, who wants to be the mom of the kid skating in Jasmine pajamas from the Disney Store? Even if you have covered them with $200 worth of Swarofsky crystals! Look, I won't be the first one at the rink every morning and I won't pay a coach to be with her every minute on the ice, but I will drag the skates along on a family vacation and find a rink for her to practice and I will stand in the cold with a cup of coffee and a video camera so she can see what's working and what isn't.

I fully expect the tables to turn in a few years... When it's time for her to apply to high schools, I'm sure I'll get all Tiger about grades and homework. And maybe I'll be taking her to the ice rink just to skate for fun. But for now, I'm a Tiger Helicopter racing to Nowhere. Wave if you see me!